Ahh the beginning of a new relationship! Those trickling butterfly feelings that overcome you when you so dreamily stare into his breath taking eyes. The first time he sweeps your bang away from your sweaty brow. The holding of the hands so tightly locked. Dinner by candlelight, moonlit walks and then finally the night you have been waiting for. The moment of truth. After a first night of sensual love making you suddenly realize, you, yes you, have to fart. Come fucking on, we have all been there. You got this great guy or gal. You are really into them. But the time has come, your first night together and the tummy is settling in. So if you are a woman like me, you quietly excuse yourself, go into the bathroom, hoping there is a vent, and you switch it to the on position hoping to drown out any evidence of those boisterous gases. Ahhh, but wait, the bathroom is not sound proof, so you flush the toilet pretending you already did the deed and proceed to turn on the water. You figure with combination of the air vent, running water and a flushing toilet you are sure to be in a safe fart haven. So you quickly plop yourself back on the toilet and let it rip. Then before you know it, you hear a faint voice in the distance say: "Hey Honey, are you o.k? You sure have been washing your hands for some time now. I am trying to save on my water bill." Blah! God dammit! Is this guy for real. Suddenly your realize that you are just in the beginning stages of your farting marathon. "Ahh, yeah, ahh I will be right out." Flabbergasted, no pun intended, you lift your ass up off the toilet and with one more flush you let the last one rip.
I mean totally could this be your worse nightmare? What about the guy who is adverse to farting. Yes there are those. I believe that guys who don't have the guts to fart in front of their women are total losers. Or they are so Obsessive Compulsive that the thought of doing any bodily function is abnormal. Look I realize that farting is something you do not do in public. But the test of a true relationship is when you can fart in front of your significant other, in the privacy of your own home of course.
I love it when you are sleeping with your SO for the first time and you cannot figure out whether you were dreaming or you actually farted in your sleep. Have you ever had one of those experiences? I have. Look, I will not fart in front of a guy until he farts in front of me. But there are times when you just can't help yourself. Let's face it people do fart in their sleep. But the worse thing is thinking you may have farted and he heard you. And then how do you face the bastard in the morning. Do you bring it up or just let it go? I think the best thing to do is continue to tell yourself it was all a dream. All I know is when the time does come when you can fart in front of your sweetie, you know you have taken your relationship to the next level. And that is a good thing.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
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12 comments:
I have farted in front of my wife much to her disgust, but she thinks its quite ok to let one rip in front of me. Course I don't really give a shit so it's all cool. When in public, its best to do the old silent fart and then blame it on someone else.
Oh My god! A man after my own heart! Your wife is lucky to have you and of course you are lucky to have her. Why is it that I end up with men who find it disgusting to fart..in front of me or themselves. My dream is to find a man, who will understand that true love is all bout the FART! Thanks for sharing!
I can honestly say this is the first time ever reading a post about this subject. I thought it was funny and so very true.
When I was married, we would lay down at night and on occasion the tummy would begin to rumble. I would pull the covers over her head and let it fly. She called me gross but at the same time, she was laughing about it.
See! I know people think about it but never have the guts to really talk about it. I mean it is a way of life, just like eating, sleeping, working etc., But for some reason we as humans are so adverse to it. I wonder why?
So very true.
The only difference between belching and farting is that it comes out the opposite end. Lol
I guess you are right about that. But farting is funnier.....My brother in law always farts on my head when I am hanging out at their house. I know it sounds weird but I have to tell you it is funny as hell. LOL
A lady with a sense of humor. WOW!
I have often sent my friends "fart ecards" that I find. Some like them, others think it's gross.
I have a crude sense of humor at times though. I guess that's just part of being "me". :)
Oh yes, that is what gets me in trouble. My sense of humor. There are too many uptight people in the world. I think most people are surprised that my wit is the way it is. But it is bad, more than most people know. Unless they read my blog.
THIS IS SO WAY FUNNY. Love your blog honey - I'll be here every day!!
Keep it up!!
;-)
K
Thanks Kelly: I hope you continue to read as I continue to read yours......right now at work and asking my lawyer friends how is they come to fart when in a new relationship...it really is interesting...how most people think the same but afraid to admit it.....Robin
I'm sure I let one rip in my sleep. My SO only did it once and I thought it was the coolest thing, we bonded through gas...never mind we just finished doing it. It was the fart that brought us closer together. I do it at work, in the store, wherever it needs to be done and keep moving and hope the smell doesn't follow me.
I do think when you are able to fart in front of your SO that is when you know you have taken the next step to a solid relationship. I don't understand why these relationship therapists never talk about farting and how it is the true step into bonding. Instead of telling ur SO that you love them, send the message in a fart.
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